


help

by whatsanaccounttoagod



Series: author projects onto tony stark [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Recovery, Therapy, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Trans Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 23:59:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16922850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsanaccounttoagod/pseuds/whatsanaccounttoagod
Summary: Tony's childhood wasn't fun.He's working on it.(Takes place a little while after damn, dad)





	help

**Author's Note:**

> so this is actually me projecting the help i need and the limited advice im able to give onto a character i heavily relate with
> 
> this goes more in-depth on tony's experiences from damn, dad but if you don't read that one (or this one, for that matter) its fine youll get the gist of it
> 
> this is going to have more graphic descriptions of abuse, rape, torture, self-harm, and suicide, so like... be careful. it's a vent fic. i'm not gentle on this.
> 
> I DO NOT CONDONE THESE THINGS. I DO NOT LIKE THEM. I DO NOT APPROVE OF THEM. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS. DO NOT DO THE BAD THINGS. DO NOT DO THE HORRIBLE COPING MECHANISMS. PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF POSSIBLE AND AT LEAST TALK TO *SOMEONE* IF NOT. like. hell. idk about other places but in the us if the counselors or teachers hear some fucked up shit happened to you they're legally bound to call the cops but if you have a friend who is okay with getting dark or heavy or whatever. just talk to them.
> 
> this fic wont have a set update schedule or end, ill just kinda write when i need to vent and stuff i guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony talks. And adopts a kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so this scene contains a graphic description of a rape scene between minors (no adults involved) so if you arent okay with ANY part of that please just don't read.
> 
> this is also really vague and badly written because i kept thinking i was gonna get sick while writing it and if its vague and badly written i cant upset myself right *finger guns*

Dr. Franklin smiled as she once again launched into her usual beginning routine.

"How have you been?"

"Sober," Tony responded. "And thinking. Never a good combination."

"And what have you been thinking?"

"That I actually need to talk, and not just give you a few details and throw up."

She bit the inside of her cheek.

"It's okay. You can laugh. I did, too."

"It's not that-" She coughed. "It's actually the opposite of funny."

"Isn't that why we laugh, though? And this is where you call me out for deflecting and try to get at least one thing out of me, except I cut you off because I don't feel like going through that spiel."

The doctor raised an eyebrow.

"If I'm actually going to get through this hour, I need you to smack me upside the head and yell at me to talk about something. Specific."

"You said you were 11."

Tony almost threw up again. "Okay. I guess we're going there today." After a few deep breaths, he managed to compose himself enough to stutter through the story.

* * *

"Hey, Tony?"

"Yeah?" Anthony turned back from her desk. She hadn't meant to ignore her friend. She just got distracted.

"Wanna do an experiment?" The red-haired teenager grinned. Well, she was 11, too. She just looked like a teenager. Tony couldn't even go to buffet lines on her own without the staff chewing her out for leaving her parents.

"What kind of experiment?"

The girl took this as her cue to approach and rest her hands on Tony's waist. "I've never kissed a girl before."

_ ("And then she… Wow, for just a damn… it's really… Ha. That's not even the actual- Can we move the trash can over here?" _

_ Dr. Franklin obliged.) _

"I'm-" Tony bit her lip. She supposed at this point, she radiated "lesbian." Could she help that she found guy's clothing more comfortable? And warmer? Sure, she'd wear a dress in public for her family, but sweatpants, baggy t-shirts, and hoodies were her absolute favorites. Jarvis always made sure she had some on hand. Even after Dad took them away. Especially after Dad took them away. "I'm flattered, really, but-"

The larger girl quickly shoved Tony against the wall and silenced her with lips. When they finally came up for air, she gasped, "I'd rather not."

"Weren't you flattered, though?"

_ ("I just never thought anyone would find me… yeah." Tony swallowed bile. "I didn't want to offend her. And I guess I didn't mind the kiss, you know? It was nice. I didn't want it, but it could've been worse.") _

"I haven't done this, either." Her hand traced Tony's chest, and the ginger pushed the two of them down to the ground.

"No," Tony whispered. "Don't do this."

_ ("Her name was Emma," he muttered. "I still remember her phone number.") _

Emma hesitated, her hands by Anthony's hips. "But we're friends. This is what friends do."

Something inside her screamed this was horribly, terribly wrong.

Tony regretted only wearing the hoodie that day, but the fluffy lining brought her comfort before.

Not anymore.

"Stop it. I don't want this."

"You should be glad anyone wants you, you damn-"

_ ("Can I say it? I don't want to make you uncomfortable." _

_ Dr. Franklin waved him on.) _

"-fag," Emma growled.

"I'm not-"

"You certainly dress like one." She took a moment to simply trace Tony's ribs.

_ ("I was probably, like, 60 pounds, and I didn't exactly remember to eat unless my parents dragged me to a restaurant or Jarvis force-fed me." Tony curled into himself. He'd gotten this far. He could get through it.) _

She didn't like the way she felt right now. Something in the back of her mind told her she shouldn't be enjoying this, and in a way, she didn't.

It just didn't feel as bad as it should.

The redhead took off her shirt as well. Then her bra. "I want you to touch me."

"No." Tony managed to force more assertiveness in her voice. "I don't want to do this."

So Emma simply took control of Tony's hands for her.

_ (Throwing up didn't relieve Tony's nausea, but he couldn't throw up again if there was nothing to get out.) _

"Stop!"

Emma laughed. "But it feels so good." She went down again, and Tony bit back a whimper.

"It's not right."

"Nothing about either of us will ever be right again. Might as well -  _ mmmm _ \- might as well go all the way."

"I don't want this."

"Don't you?" Emma ran her hands down the smaller girl's legs. "Your body tells me otherwise."

_ ("Our bodies are damn traitors. I'd always known that, but… facing that reality was different.") _

"Mom! Jarvis!  _ Someone, _ please-"

Emma silenced her victim with her lips once again. When Tony finally wrenched away, the larger girl whispered, "I want you to scream my name like that."

"No. No, no-"

"I'll stop, then. I swear."

"Emma," Anthony muttered.

"Scream it."

"Emma!" she half-sobbed.

"Good. Now, add a little of -  _ ohh _ \- a little of this." Emma guided the brunette's hands.

"You said we could stop," she whined. "I want to stop."

"Oh, my poor, innocent baby…" The redhead leaned in and whispered, "I lied."

* * *

 

"And then she finished. And just ditched me. That was fine. I… God fucking  _ dammit, _ how did I ever forget it? Why can't I stop thinking about it now?"

"The mind is a mysterious thing, Tony." Dr. Franklin busied herself emptying the trash can.

He simply sighed. "That it is."

"Dare I tell you something you refuse to admit?"

"You're the doctor, here."

She paused to finish tucking a new trash bag in the can. "I think you've been traumatized longer than you thought you were."

Tony raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, nah. That wasn't… I know what PTSD is. I'm just grossed out by the entire thing."

"Sometimes, people forget things to cope. At that age, I wouldn't've been surprised."

"Me? Actually coping?" he joked. "C'mon, Doc, you know me better than that."

She didn't laugh with him.

* * *

 

Pepper was out on a business trip, and Rhodey was off doing government stuff. Tony thanked whatever power could even  _ possibly _ be out there for small miracles.

It didn't stop him from replaying that day in his mind.

The room was too warm. He'd found cooler temperatures more comfortable ever since he was a kid, and Afghanistan only reinforced that. The heat wasn't usually this oppressive, though.

"FRIDAY, turn down the temperature."

The vents whirred gently as she blew cooler air into the room.

He still couldn't sleep. Everything still looped every time he closed his eyes, and he couldn't fall asleep.

"Cooler."

"Boss, it is 50 degrees."

" _ Cooler. _ "

The vents whirred once again.

But he couldn't stop thinking.

He shivered as the air temperature continued to drop, but he couldn't bring himself to care. It wasn't that oppressive heat of the room that winter. It wasn't the burning summer of the Middle East permeating the cooler cave.

But now he couldn't breathe again. The icy air burned his skin almost as much as the heat, and he couldn't breathe because it was no longer  _ her _ standing over him.

Maybe Siberia messed him up more than he wanted to admit as he tugged the blanket closer-

"Mr. Stark?"

Oh, shit. Peter was staying for the weekend, wasn't he? "Yeah, ki- kid?"

"FRIDAY, can you set the thermostat to 65?"

Oh, right. Spiders couldn't thermoregulate. If he didn't know better, he'd swear FRIDAY  _ flick _ ed the heater on sassily.

"Mr. Stark, are you okay?"

"I'm- I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Maybe trembling under a pile of blankets in a freezing room after basically blowing the kid off the entire afternoon was a dead giveaway of how utterly not fine Tony was, but a man could try.

The spiderling plunked down on the edge of the bed. "You looked like you were having a panic attack."

"Well, I  _ wasn't. _ "  _ You weren't wrong, kid. _

He bit his lip at his mentor's blatant lies. "Sometimes, my brain goes into overdrive, and I can't sleep or focus on anything else until this one thing is dealt with. And it could be anything from reminding myself to send a text the next day to just emotions and stuff. Even when I think I just have  _ too much _ to focus on, it's usually one thing that at least started it."

"I don't see what that has to do with this, kid." Tony noticed Peter's trembles and lifted the heavy comforter in offer. (Just because Tony didn't want to be touched right now didn't mean his kid wasn't in constant need of physical contact and heat.)

He snuggled in and continued, "Well, maybe if we can find the thing that's making your brain run in circles, we could deal with it. One thing at a time." The spiderling paused and turned an ear toward the older man. "Holy shit, Mr. Stark."

"Watch out, kid. Captain America doesn't like that kind of language."

"Your heartbeat is… Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"No, kid, of course not-"

"You're lying." Peter pulled away just enough so they weren't touching. "Your heartbeat is, like, super fast. I've only heard it that fast when you're having a panic attack."

"I'm not having a panic attack."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not having a panic attack."

"What usually calms you down?"

_ You know what calms me down. _

Tony flinched at the thought. No. He'd been doing so well. He couldn't. Not again.

But his arm itched once more.

"Peter, clear the room of sharp objects."

"Huh?"

"Clear the room of sharp objects. Knives. Letter openers. Scissors. Anything I could hurt myself with."

Understanding settled in the kid's eyes, and he quickly obeyed.

The mechanic threw the destructive side of his brain a rude gesture.

"You're still panicky," Peter noted as he sat back on the bed. "May I touch you?"

_ No no no no don't touch me please- _ "Of course, kid."

He brushed a hand against Tony's hair, waiting for further consent. When he nodded, the kid continued running his fingers through it. It felt… nice.

_ She never played with my hair. _

It felt like so long since he hadn't been alone… even if just a few days ago, he'd had Pepper there to make sure he was okay.

Maybe he had some issues being alone. Or just abandonment issues in general. (In his defense, he'd been betrayed and abandoned by most of the few people he'd let close to him.) Was that why he pushed everyone away? Some kind of can't-be-abandoned-if-you-don't-let-anyone-close train of thought?

It didn't matter as Peter soothed Tony's emotional turmoil enough to finally sleep.

He didn't have any nightmares.

* * *

 

Honestly, what was up with the kid and leaving his shitty emo CDs in the radio?

...Okay, maybe they weren't  _ that _ shitty. Not that Tony would admit it.

He half-screamed with the radio as he tried to rap along. Honestly, fuck Peter's entire demeanor. If Happy had issued the same challenge-

_ Tony turned down the radio as a cop car passed by. He really didn't feel like attracting attention today. _

_ It was a Bad Day. They still happened. He still couldn't quite shake off the nagging urge to drive off a bridge. That was probably why he brought Peter along. That, and his oddly depressing music choices. _

_ "Time gains momentum the moment when I'm - ah, dammit," he cursed as the song sped ahead while he took a breath. _

_ Tony laughed. _

_ "I did better than you could," Peter shouted, rewinding the track and cranking the volume. _

_ The billionaire raised his eyebrows and faced the kid. "Oh, really? FRIDAY, bring up the lyrics." _

_ By the time they got to the store, they'd rewound the song 14 times, each trying to yell louder and faster than the other. _

-Tony never would've accepted. 

He didn't need the lyrics anymore as he jumped in. " _ Time gains momentum the moment when I'm livin' in 'em, I'm winning a momentary, sinning a moment passing after, a re-beginning moments mending memories, pretending enemies are…  _ Ugh!" Well, at least he was halfway through this time. "Rewind at the end, FRI."

When he pulled into the garage, he growled at the radio, "You have bested me today, but your reign of terror will not last for long."

He swore it played a bit slower the next time he took Peter out.

* * *

 

"How weird would it be to ask the kid's aunt to just… move in with me?" Tony fiddled with the hem of his hoodie.

_ ("No suits today, Mr. Stark?" _

_ "Nah. Too lazy." _

_ "I could describe you many ways. 'Lazy' is not one of them.") _

"From what I've heard about Peter and his aunt, I'd say it's not weird at all. Then again, I don't know them personally, so…" Dr. Franklin shrugged. "If you think it's right, go for it."

"I want to. I mean, I'm not going to drag them out of the apartment, but… The first time Peter stayed overnight, he cried because there was a hot shower. He hadn't had one in  _ years. _ It breaks my heart every time something I see as a basic necessity is a  _ luxury _ for him."

"But you hate to show it. Why?"

Tony sighed. "I… I think I broke."

She waved for him to continue.

"I can't convince myself the people who say they care about me aren't just out to hurt me. I mean, wasn't my dad supposed to care? And he was a dick.  _ She _ cared, and look how that turned out. Obadiah said he cared, and he tried to kill me. Multiple times. I got betrayed by the entire fucking Avengers for the person who murdered my parents." He paused. "Now that I think about it, if I  _ didn't _ have issues, I'd be a little more concerned." He chuckled at the notion.

Dr. Franklin joined him. "Me, too, Mr. Stark."

As their giggles faded into silence, the doctor consulted the thin file for what he figured was maybe the third time in a year and a half. "Can we touch on something you noted but never brought up again?"

Tony sucked in a breath.

_ He stared at the paper as it listed off a handful of mental health issues. _

_ [] Other (Specify): _

_ After trying to classify… this… for a minute, he decided it was worth a shot. _

_ [ _ **_X_ ** _ ] Other (Specify):  _ **_i don't feel the right things_ **

"Tony?"

"Yeah, that's fine." He closed his eyes, trying to prepare an answer to the inevitable question.

"What did you mean by 'don't feel the right things'?"

"It's like my emotions decided to swap around," he started. "In happy situations, I get sad or angry. In sad situations, I laugh. I either feel too much or not enough. And when I'm concerned…" He shuddered. "I'm just like my father."

"Have you ever considered that in striving to be unlike your father, you began obsessing over things nobody else would notice?"

"I almost got my kid killed."

"How were you supposed to know he'd sneak on a plane that ended up crashing and almost die in the process?" At his silence, she nodded. "Emotions are weird. They aren't necessarily wrong, and they don't make you like Howard. It's how you act that makes you like or unlike him."

"I wish it was that simple."

"It really is." She shifted again. "You're not broken, Tony. Different? Maybe. But that's not usually a bad thing."

* * *

 

When did he learn all the kid's edgy songs?

" _ Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid. Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again! _ " they sang together.

"I thought you hated this stuff, honestly," Peter admitted after "Camisado" ended.

"What can I say? It grew on me." Tony smiled. "I thought you hated classic rock?"

"It grew on me." The spiderling glanced at his phone. "That, and I got tired of using all my skips."

"You don't have premium? FRIDAY, fix that." How did he survive without Spotify Premium? Next thing you know, he'd be saying he didn't have Netflix.

"Congratulations, Peter. You've been added to our family plan."

He grinned. "So you're really my dad now, huh?"

"I take it all back. Suffer with your ads and limited skips."

"Daaaad!"

* * *

 

"That's it. I'm adopting him," Tony announced as he entered Dr. Franklin's office.

She grinned. "What happened now?"

"Okay, so you know how I constantly compare Peter to puppies? He literally brought a box of puppies to my workshop. Not just any puppies. You know those stories about people abandoning puppies on the street? Those puppies. They were so tiny and- but that's not the point. He brought them to me and said…" He jumped into a falsetto. "'Mr. Stark, I don't know why you're constantly comparing me to puppies. Look, we're nothing alike.'" He coughed a couple times and continued, "And then he researched trainers and gave them to someone who trained therapy and service dogs. Isn't he just the most innocent kid ever? The world needs more Peters."

"You're crying," Dr. Franklin pointed out.

"I'm not," Tony responded, wiping away tears. At her look, he amended, "Okay, maybe I am. But Peter is worth every tear. He's such a sweetheart."

She smiled and wiped away a tear of her own. "I haven't even met Peter, and I love him already."

"He has that effect on people."

* * *

 

"May?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"On a scale of one to ten, how upset would you be if I asked you and Peter to move in?" Tony absolutely did not have rooms already picked out for them.

"Why?" Something shuffled on the other end.

What was he going to say?  _ Your nephew melted my heart one too many times and I can't stand the thought of being away from him anymore? _ "When was the last time you had a decent meal?"

"I could ask you the same," she jested.

"I'm a hypocrite, May. You know this already." He backed up and glanced around at his handiwork. Peter'd already decorated his room, but May rarely spent the night, and it was usually when he was hurt. Tony hoped she'd like it. "So, what do you say? No strings attached, no rent to pay, hot showers."

At  _ hot showers _ , she sighed. "Fine. Gives me more of a chance to monitor you two hooligans."

"Me? A hooligan? I'm hurt, May. Really."

She laughed and hung up. He'd learned quickly the Parkers weren't in the habit of saying goodbye.

_ "Goodbye is, like… permanent. If I say goodbye, I'm saying there's a chance I might not be coming back." Peter fiddled with his phone. "May hates it because Ben said goodbye to her… But I at least try to say, like, see you or something. It feels rude to just hang up." _

No goodbyes today. Just hellos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it sucks that i have to say this in 2018 but I DO NOT APPROVE OF THE ACTIONS WRITTEN IN THIS CHAPTER. RAPE BAD. CONSENT GOOD AND NECESSARY. if you ever lay a hand on someone without their consent i will personally dismember you with a laptop charger.

**Author's Note:**

> ok, so we're at the bottom and if you made it this far, i actually love you.
> 
> THE INFORMATION IN THIS STORY IS NOT MEANT TO BE USED AS A REPLACEMENT FOR ACTUAL TREATMENT. you're fully welcome to try the HEALTHY coping mechanisms for yourself (a lot of them work for me so if you find yourself having trouble with other methods you can give them a try) but i'm not a therapist. i'm not a doctor. i'm just a dude.


End file.
